Rumors, rumors, rumors. Sexy gossip is usually beneath this esteemed blog…but not when it involves Algore. We chronicled reports of Captain Planet’s alleged affair with Larry David’s ex-wife circa last week. Now, there are reports on the Smoking Gun of the former VP mouth-raping a masseuse in October 2006. The Hand Professional described her encounter thusly:
she portrayed [Algore] as a tipsy, handsy predator who forced her to drink Grand Marnier, pinned her to a bed, and forcibly French kissed her. The woman’s statement–which could be mistaken for R-rated Vice Presidential fan fiction–describes Gore as a man with a ‘violent temper as well as extremely dictatorial commanding attitude besides his Mr. Smiley Global Warming concern persona.’
Clearly recognizing the severity, and hilarity, of the situation, the masseuse made sure to save her black pants after discovering what she believed to be Mr. Smiley’s “bodily fluids.” Hey Horatio, bring the DNA kit!
In her statement given to the Portland police in January 2009, Magic Fingers described Algore as a”giggling ‘crazed sex poodle’ who gave a ‘come hither’ look.” I may not know a lot of things, but I know this: Mother Nature is a jealous minx, and the C.S.P.’s skirt-chasing will not go unpunished.
Well, apparently nature isn’t Algore’s only mistress. It’s being reported that the former vice-presidente has been having an affair with Larry David’s ex-wife. What the hell? I thought Al was like super “Notebook” style in luv with Tipper or something.
Oh, now I understand:
“Al and Laurie went from friends to lovers,” an insider tells Star. “It couldn’t be avoided.”
I wonder if that “insider” was Algore himself. In any event, I know just how he feels. One time, I was like, totally minding my own business, when the next thing I knew I was dry-humping some chick. Just kidding. It’s not actually possible for that kind of “mistake” to occur. Also, for all of you romantics out there who think becoming “lovers” with someone other than your spouse “couldn’t be avoided,” well here’s a newsflash: you’re a moron.
If I were Tipper, I’d make sure the jack-ass bought me all the solar cells I needed to keep run all of my utilities forever.
In what must be defined as nothing short of awesome, Arizona Utility Commissioner Gary Pierce has indicated his willingness to shut off the electricity supplied by the State of Arizona to the city of Los Angeles, in the event L.A. goes through with its well thought out boycott. Arizona supplies L.A. with 25% of its power.
I think residents of L.A. should be ecstatic about this idea. It will reduce their energy costs and help save the planet. It will also provide an incentive to put all of those highly-efficient and economical solar panels on their homes. Who knows? Maybe the Governator will provide subsidies to Algore so he can make his pad greener.