Feds to Acknowledge Contributions of Bald Men with “Women No Longer Find You Attractive” Day
If I ran this country, we would have hundreds of special days where we celebrate completely arbitrary and inane differences in our society. So you can only imagine how excited I was when I read that the Pentagon was going to celebrate gay pride month in the military for the first time ever. I’m not sure how they’re going to mark such an occasion, but I certainly hope it doesn’t include painting our tanks in rainbow colors…since that would only work for camouflage in Care Bear Country.
Just kidding. I don’t actually find these sorts of celebrations useful. In fact, I find them to be dumb. Plus, I’m pretty sure gay people already have a holiday, and it lasts an entire week. Obviously I’m talking about Gay Days in Las Vegas, which runs from September 4-10 at the Fabulous Tropicana Hotel. It’s highlighted by “A Taste of Gay Days,” which I’m not interested in learning more about.
Plus, the military already has two of its own holidays: Memorial Day and Veterans Day. Shouldn’t these days cover the gay soldiers too? And if not, why?
Details are still being worked out, but officials say Defense Secretary Leon Panetta wants to honor the contributions of gay service members.
Are these contributions different than those of straight soldiers? Are we supposed to be giving high-fives to the gay soldiers who shot their enemies instead of asking them out for a drink after the battle?
And why don’t I have a day? I contribute to stuff. Where is the “straight, bald, white guy, father of three” day? Why aren’t I celebrated with bikini-clad women bringing me beer while telling me how wonderful I am, as my children conduct races to see how quickly they can clean the house? Oh, that’s the other 11 months of the year you say? Well you obviously haven’t met my children.
Of course, all of these special celebrations are the work of liberals who need to find a way to assuage their irrational guilt over bad things that happen to other people, while simultaneously not having to actually meet any of those other people. Next thing you know, we’re going have a separate Mother’s Day for those addicted to crack. It’ll be a day to acknowledge the contributions of mothers who locked their children in the storm cellar for playing a rousing game of “hot, cold” with her pipe. It’ll be called “Moms Who Steal Money Out of Junior’s Piggy-Bank Pride Day.” I think I’ll start making T-shirts.