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Why Does Michigan Hate Bacon?

Oops. Wrong Piggy.

We here at Why Not Nashville? have always had a special relationship with the federal government.  We imagine it’s similar to the bond shared by Kevin Arnold and Becky Slater, where having a companion to ride bikes with is nice, but making out with Winnie Cooper is better, or something like that.  But we’re critical of state and local governments too.  After all, who can forget the anger we directed at the state of Illinois over its crap-tastic toll increases? Or the references made about our local property taxes, which are so high they occasionally cause to me to consider sending my kids to the public schools (but then I remember that the public schools don’t allow their teachers to encourage good behavior with a ruler and stories of hell, and the thought goes away).

Today, we’re wondering why the state of Michigan hates bacon.

NaturalNews can now confirm that the Michigan Department of Natural Resources has, in total violation of the Fourth Amendment, conducted two armed raids on pig farmers in that state, one in Kalkaska County at Fife Lake and another in Cheboygan County. Staging raids involving six vehicles and ten armed men, DNA conducted unconstitutional, illegal and arguably criminal armed raids on these two farms with the intent of shooting all the farmers’ pigs under a bizarre new ‘Invasive Species Order’ (ISO) that has suddenly declared traditional livestock to be an invasive species.

Hmm, curious.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I have no problem with killing pigs.  In fact, I require that death occur at some point before I apply the barbeque sauce.  But why is a state agency invading people’s private property to shoot tasty animals?  And why are the owners of these animals being charged with felonies?  And why is the only guy who seems to care possess the title of “Health Ranger?”

All this tells me is that Michigan obviously has too many state employees sitting around doing nothing.  I can imagine the conversation being had in Lansing now:

Govt. Big Wig: ‘Ok Joe.  We need to find something for you to do, or else we’ll have to fire you.’

Joe:  ‘But Govt. Big Wig, I’m turning 40 next week, and then I can retire with a pension and full benefits.  Can’t you wait until then?’

Govt. Big Wig: ‘Calm down Joe.  You know we don’t actually fire anybody around here.  But I do need to find something for you to do.  So, you have two options.  You can either go help pave that section of M-43 that gets re-paved every year, or you can go shoot some hogs on Murphy’s farm with this assault rifle.  It turns out they’re invasive.’

Joe: ‘Invasive eh?  I thought they just smelled bad.  Anyway, I’ll take the hogs.’

They’re pigs people, not Tigers.  I understand the fear is that they’ll escape, and breed, and maybe maul a pedestrian as he enjoys a delicious bottle of Vernor’s, but is that really enough of a concern to justify the violent taking of a person’s private property?  Of course not.  But when the guy leading the resistance is only a Ranger of Health, then you get what you deserve.

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