Feds give hippies $700,000 to stop cows from emitting gas and stuff
Lobbyist: “Hey Mr. Legislator, I have a good buddy who has a computer-modeling business and he could use some work. You know, the economy and stuff. Any suggestions?”
Legislator: “Computer-modeling huh? Those models don’t seem to be very accurate…the whole global warming thing. People are beginning to think we’re making this stuff up.”
Lobbyist: “I know, I know. But this guy’s good. And he told me he’d figure out how to fit global warming into it somewhere.”
Legislator: “Well, o.k. But I can’t give him much…not during this election cycle anyway. Can he get by on $700,000?”
Lobbyist: “I guess it’ll have to do.”
Legislator: “So, what’s the modeling going to be for anyway?”
Lobbyist: “Something about monitoring gas emissions from cows. Pretty important stuff.”
In its continuing effort to see how much money it can spend on computer modeling, our guv’ment has given the University of New Hampshire $700,000 to monitor the emission of greenhouse gases on organic dairy farms. Now, I’m not sure how many organic dairy farms there are out there, but I do know that Ben & Jerry’s gets all their milk from organic dairy farms and they make ice cream, which I like to eat. Thus, by making an entirely
illogical leap, the $700,000 is money well spent.
But I digress. As stated, the purpose of the modeling is to figure out how to help organic dairy farmers cut greenhouse gas emissions.
Nitrogen- and carbon-based greenhouse gases are produced via a complicated system at dairy farms that is affected by everything from the weather to the soil to the feed to cow burps, among other things.
There are many ways to cut how much gas is produced, such as leaving manure out rather than putting it in water, Salas said. The question is how to do it best at an organic dairy. What works for one dairy may not work for another, he said.
I, for one, am very interested in how leaving manure out can be best accomplished at an organic dairy. Wait, what? You say non-organic dairy farms have cows that spontaneously produce manure too? “Nitrogen- and carbon-based greenhouse gases are produced via a complicated system” at all farms you say? Then why is this grant only being used to study organic dairy farms? Oh wait, there’s a little bit left at the bottom of the page,
The grant will also be used to create programs meant to improve the competitiveness of organic livestock and crops, which tend to be significantly more expensive.
Ding, Ding, Ding, we have a winner. I wonder how much of the grant is actually going to be used to help the little organic dairy farmer compete with the great big evil hormone-injecting mega-dairy farmer? I’m guessing most of it. All I know is, when it’s all done, the American people had better get a totally kick-ass Power Point presentation about how Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food can be made in a more environmentally friendly manner.