Algore to generate world’s electricity from the thrust of his loins.
Rumors, rumors, rumors. Sexy gossip is usually beneath this esteemed blog…but not when it involves Algore. We chronicled reports of Captain Planet’s alleged affair with Larry David’s ex-wife circa last week. Now, there are reports on the Smoking Gun of the former VP mouth-raping a masseuse in October 2006. The Hand Professional described her encounter thusly:
she portrayed [Algore] as a tipsy, handsy predator who forced her to drink Grand Marnier, pinned her to a bed, and forcibly French kissed her. The woman’s statement–which could be mistaken for R-rated Vice Presidential fan fiction–describes Gore as a man with a ‘violent temper as well as extremely dictatorial commanding attitude besides his Mr. Smiley Global Warming concern persona.’
Clearly recognizing the severity, and hilarity, of the situation, the masseuse made sure to save her black pants after discovering what she believed to be Mr. Smiley’s “bodily fluids.” Hey Horatio, bring the DNA kit!
In her statement given to the Portland police in January 2009, Magic Fingers described Algore as a”giggling ‘crazed sex poodle’ who gave a ‘come hither’ look.” I may not know a lot of things, but I know this: Mother Nature is a jealous minx, and the C.S.P.’s skirt-chasing will not go unpunished.