His genitals will never be the same

Dad Accused of Using Stun Gun on Daughter’s Friend Over Naked Photo

Well, I never thought this day would come, but it has: I get to use the word ‘genitals’ in a post.  William Atwood.  Remember that name, because he is, without question, the greatest father in the world.  Apparently some 23 year old ass-hat decided to send Mr. Atwood’s precious 17 year old daughter a picture of his family jewels.  So Mr. Atwood did what any good father would do: he invited the Spawn of Satan to his home, kindly advised him take off his clothes, bound his wrists and ankles for safety, and tasered the crap out of him.  I have been assured by several unnamed sources, that the following is a video of the event:

And to prove just how truly awesome he was, Mr. Atwood concluded the tazing by asking the soul-less young man if he enjoyed the experience.

Oh yeah, apparently before the shock treatment, Mr. Atwood advised the lad that he had connections with the Pechanga tribe and was going to have him buried on the reservation.

Deputies found Moore at Atwood’s home naked, tied up and extremely frightened.

You can file that away in the “goes without saying” drawer.

Here comes an increase in pot prices

Oakland Pot Club Says Union, Yes!

At a ceremony hosted by Oakland City Council”s Rebecca Kaplan, 100 employees at medical marijuana dispensary and education hub Oaksterdam University turned in their membership cards to join the United Food and Commercial Workers Union, Local 5.

Terrific.  Now I’m not going to be able to afford the pot I use to make sure I don’t go blinder.  Joining a union is only going to increase the price of a dime-bag.  And don’t give me this, “well now you’re getting trained pot purveyors” or “you’ll get higher quality pot.”  I just don’t see the value in unionizing here.  Just sayin’.

Oaksterdam University?!

Mosque at Ground Zero: Why?

NYers wage jihad vs. WTC mosque

So some muslims want to build a mosque at Ground Zero in New York.  Why?  I don’t know.  I’m not sure anyone knows.  I’m not even sure the Imam himself knows.

Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, the head of the Cordoba Institute, which is in charge of the project, insisted that the site would help “bridge the great divide” between Muslims and the rest of America.

How exactly would building a mosque at Ground Zero help bridge that divide?  I can’t think of any rational person that would believe that.  Maybe the Imam’s wife can convince me:

Rauf’s wife, Daisy Khan, followed him to the microphone to pitched the planned community facility as “much needed party space and much needed venue space” for the area.

Party space?  Are you serious?  Is Ground Zero an appropriate location to throw parties…ever?  I feel like some large piece of necessary information is lacking.  Now, I’m not asserting that any of the muslims who would be attending the mosque were pleased with 9/11.  However, I am wondering why Imam Rauf would choose Ground Zero to build a mosque.  This is something a stupid teenager would think of in high school.  You know what I’m talking about.  Some kid thinks up the most offensive thing possible, and then does it just to create controversy.  Can’t they build the mosque somewhere else?

But then it gets weirder:

Catholic priest Kevin Madigan, of St. Peter’s Church, which is about a block away, agreed.

“I think they need to establish a place such as this for people of goodwill from mainline Christian, Jewish and Muslim faiths so we can come together to talk,” Madigan said.

Is this political correctness run amok?  How could anyone possibly think a mosque built on Ground Zero would foster goodwill?

Even more inexplicable than the foregoing is the Community Board voting 29-1 in favor of it. What the hell is a “Community Board” anyway, and who makes up the esteemed Board?

The board has no official say over whether the estimated $100 million mosque and community center gets built. But the panel’s support, or lack of it, is considered important in influencing public opinion.

Oh.  Is this just a New York thing?  Boards with no authority being created in order to vote on important issues that cause near riots?  It would seem that the smartest thing to do would be to simply say “no” to the mosque, and build a permanent memorial.  But what do I know?

I hereby declare myself an artist

Nancy Pelosi, I have nothing to say about your recent speech.  In fact, it defies explanation.

However, when in Rome, right? I previously thought it was just a hobby, but now I’m going full time. My project: create an exact replica of my ass in my couch cushion. It’s a relatively new couch, so it may take some time. I appreciate the health care Nancy, because I will likely develop bedsores from all the time I will be working on my project and they may get infected.

This guys is bats

Iranian cleric defends earthquake-promiscuity link

I’m going to use this on my daughter some day.

A prominent hard-line Iranian cleric who said promiscuity and immodest dress cause earthquakes says God may be holding off on natural disasters in the West in order to let people sin more and consign themselves to hell.

Iran was recently named to the U.N. women’s rights council.  ‘Nuff said.

Whatever happened to fat camp?

The Federal Fat Police: Bill Would Require Government to Track Body Mass of American Children

Wow.  Just wow.

States receiving federal grants provided for in the bill would be required to annually track the Body Mass Index of all children ages 2 through 18. The grant-receiving states would be required to mandate that all health care providers in the state determine the Body Mass Index of all their patients in the 2-to-18 age bracket and then report that information to the state government. The state government, in turn, would be required to report the information to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services for analysis.

You read that correctly.  The so-called Healthy Choices Act will require states to report the body mass index of our kids to the federal government, who will then, well, i’m not sure exactly what it’ll do.  I find this reassuring though:

It is important to note that no one is forced to come in for a doctor’s visit to get their BMI tested.  BMI will be taken at times when the child makes an otherwise scheduled doctor’s visit.

Well, it’s only reassuring if my kids don’t get sick between the ages of 2 and 18.  Good thing they’re not testing my kids before they’re 2 yrs. old though…they’re Dutch.

Why, you may ask, is the government doing this?

“Making the healthy choice the easy choice for our families is essential to ensuring our quality of life,” Kind said. “I am pleased to work on legislation that helps provide the opportunities that meet the needs of busy American families.”

Well, that makes sense.  I am busy.  I’m glad to know that the same government who is spending actual time and tax dollars on “potty parity,” and misplaces millions of dollars like it’s loose change is going to help me keep my kids from being fat.

Anyone notice what’s missing in this article?  That’s right…what is the govt. going to do when it decides our kids are too fat?  Forced jazzercise?  colonics?  federal employees whose only job is to make fun of our children for being fat?  -sigh-

I would just like to repeat: Michelle “lets keep the junk out of your trunk” Obama was NOT ON THE BALLOT!

The U.N. is quickly becoming a parody of itself.

Human Rights Just a Joke At the U.N.

First Iran is made part of the women’s rights counsel, and now Libya is part of the human rights counsel?  What’s next?  China being named to the women’s right to unbound feet counsel?

This is Your Brain on Immigration

L.A. approves boycott of Arizona

So, L.A. decides to boycott Arizona.  Why?  Because its City Council is full of morons.  Case in point, Councilman Ed Reyes:

“As an American, I cannot go to Arizona today without a passport. If I come across an officer who’s having a bad day and feels that the picture on my ID is not me, I can be … deported, no questions asked. That is not American.’’

You sir, are an idiot.  In fact, you’re worse than an idiot.  You’re a purposefully misleading, pandering idiot with authority.  The Arizona law does not require you to carry a passport.  Any government-issued I.D. will work.  And I’m assuming the picture on your drivers license looks like you.  In fact, unless you’re sitting on the side of the road with twenty other individuals with coolers, waiting for a pick-up truck to drive by, I think you’re going to be o.k. (uh-oh, that may just be a stereotype).

In response to L.A.’s behavior, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer finally provided the real reason why the Arizona law isn’t the end of America as we know it.

“It’s already the law in the United States, and I have a responsibility to stand up and protect the people of Arizona and we will do that,” Brewer said Tuesday.

That’s right.  The Arizona law, which everyone is gnashing their teeth over, doesn’t actually change anything.  It’s nothing more than a shout-out to the Washington politicians, who are busy figuring out how to use illegal immigrants to get themselves re-elected.  It was illegal to be in this country illegally before the law.  What is it, more illegal now?  Also, the Arizona police were allowed to stop someone on reasonable suspicion of breaking the law before the legislation; that includes being here illegally (that is illegal, right?).

L.A., and the entire State of California, is so ass-backwards it could be mistaken for Greece.  Arizona should be (and probably is)happy about the boycott…now it won’t have to deal with all of those bouncing checks.

My medal must be in the mail.

Well, apparently Patton was wrong.  The key to winning a war isn’t killing the enemy before he kills you, but hoping that he misses you first.  In an exciting twist, the military is considering offering a medal for “courageous restraint.”

“The idea is consistent with our approach,” explained Air Force Lt. Col. Tadd Sholtis. “Our young men and women display remarkable courage every day, including situations where they refrain from using lethal force, even at risk to themselves, in order to prevent possible harm to civilians. In some situations our forces face in Afghanistan, that restraint is an act of discipline and courage not much different than those seen in combat actions.”

This is exciting because I expect to be receiving my medal any day now.  I seemingly exhibit “courageous restraint” everyday.

No worries though, we are still allowing our military the right to shoot back, in the event the bad guy misses.

“We absolutely support the right of our forces to defend themselves,” Sholtis said.

Well, that’s a relief.  Before Obama, the soldier’s “right to defend himself” rule kinda’ went without sayin’.  But, because of Obama’s success in making friends in the middle-east, our enemies have agreed to wear shirts that read, “i’m here to kill you,” while civilians will wear shirts that read, “thank you for your restraint.”  To make things even easier, the “kill you” shirts will be green, and the “restraint” shirts will be red.

Tomorrow, the military will brief us on the “paratrooper’s right to open his shoot before landing” policy.

I can already hear it…”But Bush Started It.”

U.S. posts 19th straight monthly budget deficit

It’s your deficit now Mr. President.  Instead of making excuses, you should simply Own It.

The United States posted an $82.69 billion deficit in April, nearly four times the $20.91 billion shortfall registered in April 2009 and the largest on record for that month, the Treasury Department said on Wednesday.

Sheer incompetence.  Here’s the “no kidding” statement of the day:

White House budget director Peter Orszag told Reuters Insider in an interview on Wednesday that the United States must tackle its deficits quickly to avoid the kind of debt crisis that hit Greece.

“Must tackle its deficits quickly.”  Good luck, when your boss won’t make any effort to control spending.